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Here you will find reviews of the trashiest books ever written, forgotten classics, paperback head-spinners, and the just plain weird. Someone had to read these books, and thank god it's not you.

New reviews appear constantly...like Magic!

Absolved - the self-published militia novel that inspired the 2011 Waffle House Terror Plot.

AMERIKA - Very Important Novelization of the 80's miniseries about Commies Taking Over America!

Amityville: The Final Chapter - the Amityville Saga gets very, very stupid.

The Closed Circle - Satanic cult ridiculosity brought to you by the fine folks at Playboy Publishing.

The Park is Mine - the greatest book about a crazed Vietnam Vet taking over Central Park ever written.

The Little People - Nazi leprechauns...born in the concentration camps and engineered for sin!

The Other and Harvest Home - Thomas Tryon's forgotten blockbusters launched the 70's horror revival.

Feast - Graham Masterton's cannibal classic is so bonkers Jesus has to appear and sort everything out.

The Rats and The Fog - James Herbert's pub rock horror novels are full of puke, n'blood, n'rats, rats, rats!

The Amulet - Michael McDowell's Southern gothic gore fiesta is Trash Faulkner.

The Auctioneer - if Cormac McCarthy wrote Needful Things it would look like Joan Samson's one-off classic.

Hobgoblin - remember when everyone thought D&D was sending us all to Hell? No? Here's a refresher.

The Sucking Pit and The Walking Dead - Guy N. Smith gives his readers more than crabs. Unfortunately.

Maynard's House - it's getting all Yankee up in here, ya'll. Now a Vietnam vet takes on a Maine witch.

Fatal Beauty vs. Small World - William Schoell brings killer breast implants. Tabitha King brings shrinking.

Wurm - killer worms from the ocean floor. Oh, I'm sorry. Wurms.

Dead White and Black Christmas - have some killer clowns and axe murderers for Christmas!

Fatal Beauty and Small World - Stephen King's wife writes about miniature people, also worms do plastic surgery!

Familiar Spirit and Gabriel - two 80's horror paperbacks from the deeply perverse Lisa Tuttle.

The Last Canadian - because there can be only one!

The Steel, the Mist, and the Blazing Sun - the book that has disappointed me for 20 years.

Coma - Robin Cook's forgotten bestseller about doctors and computers.

Koko - I wasn't a Peter Straub fan until I read his blockbuster Vietnam novel.

Burnt Offerings - the forgotten haunted house bestseller from 1973 that's actually pretty good!

The Ninth Configuration - William Peter Blatty's prequel to The Exorcist.

Beloved - why hasn't the horror genre claimed Toni Morrison's ghost story as one of its best books?

Alabaster - Osamu Tezuka's manga about a black man with invisible skin is pretty freaky stuff.

The Strangers - this 80's horror paperback about hidden psychopaths will teach you to be careful who you marry.

Miss Finney Kills Now and Then - a truly berserk trash classic. Like a slasher written by John Waters.

Black in Time - get it? GET IT???? It's about black nationalists and white supremacists going to war using time travel!!!!

XY - a gender-bender horror novel that feels like a lost Cronenberg movie.

Shadowland - what if Harry Potter was written for grown-ups?

Such a Good Baby - a book about a killer baby, featuring great, glistening pools of puke.

Bloodrush - how come race is so complicated in the South and what's that got to do with unlimited quantities of bull semen?

The Flying Eyes - you know what Mad Men left out? The flying, oozing, dripping, giant eyes that haunted 1950's America.

The Sentinel - Or, How To Throw a Birthday Party for Your Cat!

Phoenix: Dark Messiah - in post-apocalyptic America, only the coolest dudes with the biggest dongs and hugest guns will survive.

Abracadabra - the only good magician is a dead magician.

Toy Cemetery - books about toys fighting a war against kiddie porn producers and the products of incest don't get any better than this.

Slob - he started as a serial killer, wound up as a superhero.

Skeleton Doctors - two books about the worst doctors of all.

Insects Hate Us! - Blood Worm, Squelch, and Blight. Three books about our tiniest enemies.

Phantom of the Soap Opera - if you want to move to NYC and star in soap operas, you MUST read this one book.

Let's Get It On - The Night Visitor and Taurus...either Satan's sticking it up your butt or a bull is stabbing you in the scrotum.

The Omen Novelizations - five books about three movies, and in only one of them does a lonely man befriend a dead chicken.

Satan's Child - the lost folk horror link.

The Abyss - it's like Bruce Springsteen rewrote Dante's Inferno only with more beer.

The Tribe - Jewish horror was a part of the horror paperback market, and this is probably its pinnacle.

The Moonchild - basically a Hammer horror movie in book form about a kid with a monstrous wanking arm that kills.

Dark Angel - Catholic-sploitation was a big paperback genre and this is peak achievement. True lunacy.

Satan Sublets - what happens when Satan is your landlord? Nothing good!

The Sendai - based on scientific truth! There are mice with chicken heads out there just running around!!!! (and killer babies)

Snowman - Yeti wants to come to America and ruin all our stuff. What a creep.

The Sibling - the touching Yuletide tale of a brother who loves his sister so much he gives her little "cadaver kisses".

Slay Bells - teens in peril! Trapped in a blizzard at the local mall! Stalked by Santa!

The Foundling - she plays a mean guitar, gaslights her mom, and Charles Manson was her dad. Kids today.

The Shadow Man - home computers can help you with your taxes and send witches into the past with their timeshifter beams.

Kodiak! - the Jaws of killer bear books, only better. For god's sake, it's got an exclamation mark in the title.

Brainchild - before he started ghost writing VC Andrews books, Andrew Neiderman was a hell of an author in his own right.

Keeper of the Children - killer marionettes, mannequins, teddy bears, and scarecrows. Pure nightmare fuel.

The Stigma - doomcore book about possessed girls and demonic dogs who just want to be your cuddle buddy.

The Farm - old McDonald's death farm of destruction.

The Searing - the scariest thing of all is the female orgasm, according to this book.

Seed of Evil - how not to pick up Satan in a bar.

Childgrave - yet another beautifully written horror paperback from Ken Greenhall.

Isobel - the story of a Scottish lass seduced by a French Satanist who wears leather.

The Orpheus Process - bad science plus bad parenting in the most X-treme 90's horror novels.

Night Train - gentrification versus demons from Hell in the subway tunnels of New York City.

Killer - the ultimate killer whale vs. human arms epic ever written.

Psychic Spawn - what happens when you raise a race of psychic Nazi super-babies and they just want to screw off and get drunk?

Nightlife - it's Miami Vice meets Crocodile Dundee only with more were-piranhas.

The Glow - it's Satanism with jogging and tofu loaf.

Nightblood - for everyone who thought 'Salem's Lot needed more uzis, it's the most 90's vampire book of all time.

Vessel - all about immortal serial killers abducting young Midwestern girls and making them constipated.

Blood Sisters - part 2 of my series, "What the Hell is the Matter with the Midwest?"

The Shinglo - it's Stephen King doing Vietnam with some Home Alone at the climax.

Invasion USA - the only thing stupider and more satisfying than this Chuck Norris movie is its novelization.

Fantasma - the all-Italian Mafia vs. Monsters novel from the early 90's.