Coltray begins with three different quotations, one from the Bible, one from 18th century poet Matthew Prior, and one from Guns n'Roses, so you know it means business but you probably already knew it meant business when you saw the name "David Alexander" on the cover because Alexander's name is the Dow Jones Industrial average of business. Author of the delightfully deranged Phoenix series, Alexander wrote Coltray after he wrote his Z-COMM series under a house name because he wanted a men's adventure series all to himself where he could put his name on the cover.
But what is a "Coltray"? Stosh Coltray is a very heavy dude as a talk show host introduces him:
"A man who some have claimed is a modern-day Robin Hood. Others, though, have called him a dangerous thug...His expertise with firearms has earned him the nickname of ‘the Lethalist.’"
Why this series is not called The Lethalist is beyond me, but perhaps it's because Stosh Coltray is also a chain smoker and a Beach Boys fanatic and a nickname like The Lethalist really doesn't encompass all his many dimensions. Talk show host, Tracy Quinn, on the other hand, has one dimension: "spineless cunt.” (I’m quoting here!) She's an "ardent gun-control supporter" with a “carnivorous smile” who's late to her own taping because she's “probably polishing their favorite vibrator.”
She also springs a trap on Coltray...a media trap! It's "as deadly in its own way as any VC ambush Coltray had been faced with in Nam when he’d made long-range jungle forays with the elite commando troops of MACV/SOG.” So deadly that afterwards he heads to the bar next door for a Coors but on the way he encounters the next victims getting ready to enter Tracy Quinn’s VC ambush, the leadership of the Priory of Satan! Zirconia and Quentin Lavender are descendants of the Mayflower pilgrims and had ancestors burned at Salem as witches so they seem like absolute Yankee Doodle Dandies, but Quentin also strokes a long-haired cat and hand-feeds it exotic fish, so we know he’s a Bond villain.
Coltray doesn't like the looks of these effete scum and his suspicions are confirmed when he tails them after the taping and discovers that they're tailing cult de-programmer, Dekker. Actually, it's not them doing the tailing, but a "merc tail" and this is a good moment to talk about mercs.
There are all kinds of mercs in this book. The best are "merc terminators" who are as lethal and dangerous as a "merc fire team" or a "merc hitter." I'm not sure where "Monkey mercs" fit into this scheme, but they certainly seem more capable and agile, but perhaps less useful, than "toilet paper mercs" which is what the "merc surveillance team" following Dekker is made up of. To be more specific they're "Dixie Cups", mercs designed to be used once and thrown away. More to the point, their actual names are Peacock and Turd.
Coltray kills Peacock and Dekker skewers Turd on a chunk of steel rebar and then he and Coltray go their separate ways but within weeks Dekker is on his knees, begging Coltray to save him. The Priory of Satan has kidnapped his daughter!
COLTRAY #2: PAY THE DEVIL started with a prologue [NOTE: this book has a prologue, an epilogue, and is divided into three books, each with several chapters apiece. It is also 174 pages short.] where we met the Colonel sporting his "masklike death grin" and raiding a Utah bioweapons facility and stealing bioweapons before escaping with a “Kahhh-BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Kuh-Kuh-Kuh-THOOOOMMMMMMMMM!” courtesy of a Royal Ordnance 80-mm LAW rocket. Later he'll fight Coltray with a "Click-Whoosh — BLAMMMMMM! Click-Whoosh — BLAMMMMMM! Click-Whoosh — BLAMMMMMM! Click-Whoosh — BLAMMMMMM!” maker.
Somehow, kidnapping Dekker's daughter seems like a good idea to the Priory of Satan because they have to do something with their bioweapon and they're worried Dekker might stop them although he doesn't seem interested in doing more than debating them on talk shows. Then again, no one in this book has a simple plan. When Coltray needs to rescue Dekker the first time he murders a bunch of flunky mercs in their limo, sets it on fire to distract a backhoe driver, then steals his backhoe, drives it through a warehouse, and chases down Peacock the Dixie Cup merc before squashing him under its tires. Later, he'll check a Satanic New Orleans stash house for Dekker's daughter by staging a midnight assault, gunning down the 50 Toilet Paper mercs guarding the property, liberating the mind-controlled slave workforce, and using napalm to torch its marijuana fields. Turns out, Dekker’s daughter isn't there.
Coltray also investigates another Priory stronghold in Provincetown, RI where they run a network of "breeders" who provide babies for Satanic sacrifices across America. In a way, this makes me respect the Priory of Satan who appear to be less interested in the Satanic gold rush but instead see an opportunity to be in the pick and shovel business. Satanic cults come and Satanic cults go, but they'll always need babies to sacrifice to their Dark Lord. It’s a good business model! I’d invest! The Priory of Satan operate their baby breeder business out of a house in the dunes outside P-town which turn out to be "as dangerous as it got" because apparently the dunes are so disorienting people get lost and die in them on a pretty regular basis if they don't fall into quicksand or get kidnapped and turned into breeders first. After making fun of women, joggers, gay people, and modern art, Coltray blows up the P-town breeder house.
Finally, Coltray tracks Quentin Lavender down to Nob Hill home in San Francisco, thus proving that Satan limits his activities to where he can get a well-mixed mojito and brunch is a way of life. It turns out that the Priory's plan is to sacrifice 12 babies at the exact same moment in the middle of a mass orgy at the same split second that everyone in the orgy orgasms, cued by Quentin smashing a skull to the floor. See what I meant about no simple plans? After that, almost like an afterthought, they'll use Occulus-guided drones to release the bioweapons.
Coltray uses many, many weapons to murder a whole orgy of Satanists, but he's too late to save the 12 babies. Whomp whomp. On the plus side, he and Dekker finally find Dekker's daughter in the orgy room, covered in baby blood. On the minus side, Dekker's daughter laughs hysterically as her Daddy hugs her and then she stabs him through his Adam's apple and winds up brain dead in a padded cell, consigned to spend the rest of her life totally insane from Satanism.
Everyone heads home, stickier but wiser, but it turns out the Colonel, whom Coltray thought he had killed with a passing BART train, actually substituted a homeless person at the last possible second and he sneaks into Coltray's home and proves that while Coltray may be the most dangerous man alive, he's certainly not the most alert, and the book ends with the Colonel shooting Coltray three times in the back of the head.
David Alexander concluded his Coltray series with Coltray #3: Vengeance the following year (1991) and it's either the shortest book ever written ("DRIP...DRIP...DRIP...") or Coltray proves to have outfoxed the Colonel. In fact, earlier in Coltray #2: Pay the Devil, Layla Bettan, a human trafficker and art gallery owner (who also directs Mexican snuff films), shoots Coltray three times in the stomach but it turns out he's wearing a Kevlar vest. Confronted with the fact that she's been outplayed, Bettan immediately turns submissive, strips, and offers her bare bottom to Coltray for a spanking. Then she offers to "suck Master's hardness." "What the Hell?" Coltray figures, and the two proceed to have a lot of sex.
This could make for a very interesting Coltray #3.