Can we ever, as a species, ever say enough about ninja? Ninja is something to always be talking about. Ninja are dangerous. Ninja are Jewish. Surprising! But true. Like Israel, ninja is tiny man surrounded on all sides by danger. Or sometimes by beautiful ladies. But mostly danger. So ninja must be quick, deadly and good at memorizing license plates.
These movies show inside feeling of ninja.
A LIFE OF NINJA (1985)
Directed by: Lee Tso-nan
Starring: Chen Kuan-tai, Yasuaki Kurata, World Wrestling Champion Wong Kin-mi
He creeps. He skulks. He stalks. He scurries. He strikes! Ninja – most deadly foe. Using ways most nefarious and killing arts mysterious ninja will kill and kill. And kill, and kill, and kill. Sometimes he kills wrapped in gold foil like baked potato; sometimes he is a naked lady ninja to confuse foes before blowing them up!
Life of ninja is easy, no?
No. Life of ninja is hard.
Ninja must learn dancing on ice cubes. Sometime ninja ladies must mud wrestle for no good reason. How do you make a ninja? Are no ninja babies. Must take normal person and beat. Beat until are ninja!
Ninja training.
A life of ninja is shown in beautiful motion picture A LIFE OF NINJA. At heart of picture is family – they are Cheng family and have family business but no one is happy. Cheng is married to sister and is boss. Bad boss! One sister is boozer – drink lots of cognac. Ha ha! Other wants to be ninja, but can’t! So she wear the tight leather trousers and beat up men with wooden sword. Is very sad. Like Douglas Sirk movie, WRITTEN ON THE WIND.
Many ninja run around on tiny feet. One ninja creeps up building, take icicle, and stab woman in butt. Woman is Cheng’s girlfriend, police come, very suspect of Cheng. No, says doctor, this woman not kill by icicle, kill by poison…ninja poison!
Police visit Chen Kuan-tai (or is it Chen Kwun Tai?). He is ninja-pooper: he knows ninja, but poops their parties. Police ask for help, he been in many martial art movie (like CRIPPLE AVENGERS), he must help police. He says yes. Yes, I fight ninja. He fight the ninja?!? Ninja get furious. Use hypno-mind-control killers, flying snakes, tiny bombs, poison ink, swords and knives, even get World Wrestling Champion Wong Kin-mi to wear little red briefs and turn over cars. And stomp! And kill! Big fights!
Then Chen Kuan-tai fight the head ninja, Yasuaki Kurata, in secret ninja fort. They use flying knife, exploding statue, flying backward, invisibility, giant jumping, fighting Irish jig, secret ninja spazz dance, is very strange. There can be only one. Is exciting!
The movie ends. This is ninja.
You must see A LIFE OF NINJA to believe A LIFE OF NINJA!
LA STREETFIGHTER (aka NINJA TURF) (1985)
Directed by: Richard Park
Starring: Jun Chong, Philip Rhee, James Lew, Rosanna King, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace, Ken Nagayama
Can ninja be Korean? Sure. Can be! Ninja can be anyone…even you. In this movie, Tony is ninja. He is hard-living 30 but goes to high school. High school for angriest teenagers in America, angriest teenagers who are all in their 30′s, too. But some are 40. Always fighting in back alleys and streets because Young’s mom is always drunk. That’s okay, Young. It will all work out. Let’s just concentrate on school. Tony has good parents and together they count bananas. Lots and lots of bananas. Later a man will go into shower with another man. Man #1 will give Man #2 banana. Is symbolism!
Theme song is great for romance with lady friend. Lots of romance in movie. Ninja hate romance. Good thing much fighting too. Sometime man attack liquor store with didgeridoo. Sometime Spike Gang attack. Then Tony and Young get job doing security at birthday party. Someone gets arm cut off. Tony and Young get job doing security at drug party. Drug sniffing. Bathtub sex in dirty water. Tony and Young steal money bag. Uh-oh. More violence.
Look out – is Spike Gang!
Samurai + Bill “Superfoot” Wallace hired to find Young and Tony for money bag drug dealer. 2gether they wander streets of LA. Just samurai and pal, sometimes chopping people. Is love? Maybe. Now they find Tony. Fight! Young thinks about his family and cries. His mom only a drunk and his dad only a photocopy taped on wall. Not fair. End in tragedy.
No ninja in LA STREETFIGHTER, but movie is deep like soul of ninja. Deep and black and full of wonderful things.
Revenge of the Ninja (1983)
Directed by: Sam Firstenberg
Starring: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Kane Kosugi
This movie is anti-ninja! It start with evil family in house in country. They doing many things so evil like playing with baby and laughing. Suddenly ninja appear. Ninja kill! Is how you know family is evil. Why else would ninja kill them? Family belong to Sho Kosugi. Stupid American man with blow dried hair wants Sho to come to America and open art gallery. Sho is expert on art. This means that he is a sissy. But still does not want to go to America. Then his evil family is all dead. Okay, he take son and go to America. Because, “you can’t fight the ninja forever.”
Street gang will fight you now, Sho Kosugi!
In America Sho raises son, who is also real life son, Kane. Sho teach Kane to hate ninja. “You are not ninja!” he shout. Aaaahhh! Don’t say that to child. Is child abuse! “Eye contact, violence, power,” these are his motto. He also have other motto, “If you were going to work out, why did you forget your pants?” Then he also defend ninja and say that they not evil. That evil of ninja is common misperception. Is true! Science used robots to prove. Sho Kosugi, make up your mind about ninja.
Then, surprise! Keith Vitali is drug dealer! Also is ninja! Makes sense: ninja like to party. Is how ninja gets girls. But girls never come to ninja party. Then ninja need to go spend time by self. And maybe cry, a little. How can ninja meet girls? No one want ninja until they need ninja. And then always say, “Ninja, kill.” No one ever say, “Ninja, embroidery around eyeholes is nice touch. You have good whip stitch.” Ninja work hard on this embroidery. Ninja wish someone notice. But they just want ninja to kill, all the time. Ninja, kill. Ninja, kill. Sometime ninja want to love!
“This is nothing compared to how I feel on inside!”
Here is sexy blonde in short ninja outfit who also like to wear lingerie. She is for loving. Also sexy ninja grandmother. She is for different kind of loving. Keith Vitali secret discovered with zoom lens by Kane Kosugi. Why is Keith Vitali such a jerk? Because he is ninja. All the best ninja are jerk. Maybe this is why no girls love ninja? But Keith Vitali also has hypno-eye and silver mask when he feel like situation require silver mask. This can help him get girls. But no, he only want to kill. Wait! Can ninja find love with sexy blonde. No! She is traitor. Can ninja find love with sexy ninja grandmother? No, she is dead. Later, ninja beat up Hell’s Angel with paper fan. But who will hold ninja’s hand during romantic movie?
You only think you don’t need love, ninja.
Ninja fight Native American. Ninja fight street gang. Ninja fight everybody. But ninja is still all alone. This is a movie from Canon Pictures and from producers Golan & Globus. They are responsible for many excellent movie about human condition, like Merchant, Ivory. In the end, ninja is chopped in half but it turn out to be hollow ninja made of wood with cotton on the inside. Empty, like ninja’s heart. At end of movie, ninja is alone again. Alone except for young son. Is okay. Ninja will eat, like ice cream of sadness.
