My Amityville Horror

This article was going to run on a mainstream press site but got killed at the last minute due to issues that are above my paygrade.

Out of all the books, movies, articles, and interviews spawned by the house at 112 Ocean Avenue, only one inarguable fact has emerged: no one is ever going to know what really happened inside the house at the center of the Amityville Horror. The sequence of events goes like this. In 1974, while drunk and high, Ronald DeFeo shot and killed his parents and four siblings in their sleep. The house sat empty for over a year until George and Kathy Lutz, along with Kathy’s three children from a previous marriage, bought it in 1975 and moved in. Then, as their book says, “28 days later, they fled in terror” claiming the house was haunted by hyperactive spirits who possessed them, slammed windows, summoned swarms of flies, told a priest to “Get Out!”, sent phantom marching bands through the living room, and caused the children to levitate.

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Those 28 days might just be the most profitable four weeks of home ownership in American history. With the help of William Weber, Ronald DeFeo’s defense attorney, the Lutzes turned their story into a book that sold six million copies, was bought by Hollywood, and became a blockbuster film, generating nine sequels and five more books. There’s also an entire cottage industry of spin-off books and documentaries produced by pretty much everyone who ever crossed the property line, from journalists, to debunkers, to self-proclaimed demonologists. Now, one more documentary has appeared, and this one, more than any of the others, might stand as the last word.

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The End of the World, courtesy of China

A trillion years in the future, as recorded in the 1908 Qing era story by Bao Tianxiao, “The End of the World,” European and American scholars figure out that the moon is on a collision course with the Earth. The Alliance for Constructing a New World has an urgent meeting…just like in Deep Impact. They even have some of the same ideas: let’s build spaceships and save the elite of our world, calculate trajectories of comets and use them to pull Earth off orbit, or maybe make a giant lever and lever the Earth up and over the solar system so the comet sails harmlessly beneath it. I actually don’t think that last one was in Deep Impact.

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Then the Christians get in on the game and attribute the end of the world to God’s will, while the Buddhists interrupt the meeting to preach about planetary reincarnation and how every ending is a new beginning and blah blah blah. Finally, in the midst of all this chaos, a distinguished old doctor rises and walks to the platform. “Relax,” he says. “This is all evolution.” Oooohhhh, everyone says, and falls silent.

Don’t try to save the planet, he advises. Think about how great your eternal soul is and view this as, well, part of the Earth’s evolutionary process. “It’s just like shedding the old to take on the new,” he says. “As for our spirits, the sky is so spacious that surely there must be places for our spirits to reside. Why should I feel sad when I think of this?”

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And everyone gets all teary and then smiles through their tears while wiping them away with the backs of their hands while all the daddies hug their kids real tight and mom looks on. I mean, when he explains it like that it all sounds so…natural. Then:

“The grand conference room of the Alliance for Constructing a New World was swallowed up by turbulent and giant waves. Images of the moon were like grim devils making ferocious faces to scare the Earth. The heat and light of the sun dimmed, most of the seas and lands on Earth froze, plants withered, animals starved to death, and their remains were ubiquitous on the surface of the Earth.”

Oh.

It gets cheerier:

“Their movements are like marching ants, and their anxieties are like birds with broken nests. Some climb to the tops of mountains, but the sea waves are so ferocious that they reach up to the height of a thousand meters. People, animals, and buildings are wiped out. The sound of thunder comes from all directions. People choke with anguish when they hear this terrible sound.”

As the seas fill up with the corpses of humanity, and our entire race dies screaming, I’m sure they can just reflect on the fact that this is all just part of the planet’s evolutionary progress and that will be a great comfort to them.

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Thanks, China!

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Zu is waiting for you

Back in the early 80′s, conventional wisdom proclaimed that special effects were for foreigners and not for Chinese. Science fiction was considered to be the sole province of the West, but the Hong Kong director, Tsui Hark, wanted to make the Chinese response to Star Wars. Since there was no space opera tradition to work with, he reached into the past and found the 30′s pulp martial arts story, “The Story of Mount Zu’s Swordsmen” written by Huanhu Louzhu. Told in dozens of installments, “The Story of Mount Zu’s Swordsmen” was set in a great mountain range in Sichuan where it was almost always night and where fairies, Immortals, spirits and demons established clans and schools and clashed with one another.  Huanzhu, sometimes called “Master of the Pavilion of Returned Pearl” was considered to be best at building his fantasy worlds, but to be weak with characterization.

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“Seeing the spaceships and laser guns of Star Wars and how they expand its horizon forced me to look at our special effects,” Tsui Hark said. “That was my major motivation in making Zu.” Even better, his movie was originally going to be an epic kung fu version of Chariots of the Gods. Released in 1983, he worked on it in late night sessions for years, and a transcript of a brainstorming session has been translated. In it, clearly exhausted writers cluster around Tsui who blows their minds with talk about the two lead characters coming to a vast plain where two armies made up of empty suits of armor are fighting. Controlling them all is “this bastard the leader who is both god and devil.” Who is it? Why not the historical figure Pan Gu (who created heaven and earth). What is he?

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“A huge bundle of energy…spaceship… the cross of Jesus,” Tsui intones in stoned wonderment. Then someone points out that Chewbacca is an aged Peter Pan which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. “This is the wrong path to pursue,” Tsui interrupts. We’re thinking about an entity, not a person. What can the form be?”

“An ape man?” someone suggests.

“Even earlier than ape men. The feeling is closer to astronauts with lots of tubes on him making ding dong sounds.”

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I just want to point out that they are now talking about astronauts with lots of tubes on them making ding dong sounds, which is basically Darth Vader. “In modern eyes what is Pan Gu’s creation of heaven and earth like?” Tsui asks. He then answers himself, “Like Battlestar Galactica. A spaceship bringing people here and that’s the beginning of the human race.”

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Maybe he’s here to conduct an experiment and other mythological figures are his experiments, some failed. And now, Pan Gu is sitting around saying, “It’s no fun training these successors to be like me. Because there’s one thing I can’t accomplish and I train them to finish it. Maybe after all the star wars (all rights reserved) are over and they have reached my state and I tell them I have been waiting so long. Here is a mission for you.” But then Tsui points out, “We can’t understand the mission because of the limitations of our minds.”

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And so Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain becomes the historical epic Chinese martial arts sci fi movie, and from there we get:
 

 
Which was, by John Carpenter’s own admission, directly influenced by his viewing of Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain.
 

 
Reading these early notes for Zu is like taking a hit off a psychedelic science fiction bong. Tsui had his screenwriters scour books for information about flying swords and qi energy, and by all accounts he created a mountain of research material and scenes and events that never made it into the final film. When Tsui revisted Zu in 2001 with his Legend of Zu, it really pushed the pedal to the metal in terms of sci fi aspirations, containing more special effects shots than Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Unfortunately, the movie felt inert and is generally considered to be dead on arrival. Just like Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

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But Legend of Zu also contains dozens of scenes that never made it into the movie, including enormous set pieces that were shot but left out of the film, like a battle on a sea of giant dead leaves. The wreckage of Zu is like Jodorowsky’s version of Dune, a crashed surrealist spaceship in a desert of the sane, its wreckage strewn across the landscape in swirling lysergic patterns, glowing with visionary energy.

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Books are Everywhere!

My books are now on a bunch of different platforms! I’ve updated the buying sections so that you have links to the iBookstore (iPad) and Barnes & Noble (Nook).

Satan Loves You (Paperback, Kindle, iPad, Nook)
A great big novel about having the worst job ever: running Hell.

Occupy Space (Paperback, Kindle, iPad, Nook)
A hard science fiction novel about Redneck NASA, drinking vodka, and launching rockets.

Tales of the White Street Society (Kindle, iPad, Nook)
A short story collection about gentleman adventurers in the 19th Century who beat supernatural creatures to death with shovels. And guns. Includes filthy leprechauns and disgusting German Christmas demons.

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New World in London

Published anonymously around 1906, this Chinese science fiction story from the Qing era first appeared in All Story Monthly. It’s one of those plot-less early sci-fi short stories that ends with a helicopter rotor coming out of a policeman’s helmet and then he flies away waving “goodbye.” You know, like they do. A catalog of future stuff, rather than an exciting thrill ride in its own right, things kick off with it being the future and our narrator strolling around Future London and watching all the flying cars land on roofs so their pilots can take rest breaks.

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Chancing across a policeman, the narrator asks what the crime situation is and gets an insane answer. There is no crime because they have a machine that lets them see through walls so they can track anyone anywhere. Deciding that it’s not enough to see people getting ready to stab their husbands to death, the police department has also invented a mind reading machine. But it gets worse. This machines records every single thought that a person has and when they have an evil thought it beeps loudly alerting everyone around you. Ohmygodgetitoffmyface…that is the most horrifying idea ever.

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Making future life even more intolerable, there’s also the Electronic Wave of Minds which is basically like a GPS so that when your Horror Thought Alarm rings the police can track you down immediately and drag you off to be re-educated. Oh, and they can also reshape your thoughts. You can imagine a teenaged Mao wanking to this under his wool blanket one night because it just sounds so sexy.

Then things take a prescient turn. A rotor comes out the policeman’s helmet and he flies away, but before he goes he assures the narrator that everyone’s thoughts are strictly controlled in Future London Town. “Everything is state-owned,” he cries. “Now everything big or small belongs to the government. Everything is overseen by the people. There is not even a little bit of selfishness here.”

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As the policeman gets smaller and smaller in the sky, the narrator relates that he wishes he could shoot himself rather than live in this terrible, awful world. Whoops…and then it came true.

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Screaming Hell-Brides of the Vice-President’s Den of Vice

Excerpted from September, 1942 edition of Man for Men magazine:

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Beneath the White House the Great Star Chamber of the Order of Secret Freemasons was full of the funky fumes of strange Oriental incense that made Patty’s head spin.
“I never thought that when I won the 4-H prize for Home Economics I’d wind up naked and unconscious in the White House,” she thought to herself. “And I have no idea how I got here…”
Vaguely, she remembered Vice President (and former Secretary of Agriculture), Henry Wallace, pinning a medal to her blouse, pulled taut over her ripe teenage bosom. Dimly, deep within her virginal brain, she remembered pain as the pin pricked her flesh, penetrating her dermis like an unwelcome intruder. There had been a feeling of warmth as if some kind of alien toxin was infecting her pure Lutheran blood.
“Hey…” she remembered saying. “That hurt, you big lug…”
But then…unconsciousness claimed its bride!
Shaking her head groggily, trying to clear it of the pernicious, libido-enhancing, reason-fogging fumes, Patty attempted to sit up only to discover that she couldn’t move. Looking to her left and right she saw that her perfectly proportioned pale wrists were shackled by cruel iron chains.
“What…what’s the big idea?” she whispered.
All around her, hooded figures representing all three branches of the United States government – executive, judicial, and legislative – began to chant a perverted left-wing Latin litany that sounded like the kind of Hell Speech that spilled daily from the lips of the Pope. Nauseated, Patty began to squirm.
“Help!” she cried. “Somebody help me! I’ve been kidnapped by the Vice President of the United States.”
“Oh, my dear,” a hooded figure wielding a ceremonial bronze sword said, suddenly looming over her face. “I’m just the warm-up act. Wait until the President gets here.”
The hooded figures began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Through tear-filled eyes, Patty saw a hidden panel in the wall open and a man-sized pyramid capped with an all-seeing eye floated into the room…

 

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Qing Era Science Fiction’s Civilized Realm

Qing era (1644 – 1912) science fiction was the first sci fi to explode onto the Chinese literary scene. Growing out of mutated mistranslations of Jules Verne, mostly translated into Chinese from the Japanese taken from the original French, it’s surprisingly interchangeable in its big ideas with turn of the century Western sci fi: people visit future utopias or police states, take steam-powered or electro-current rides to the moon, wander future cities and have tediously detailed conversations with passersby about Amazing Labor Saving Future Devices. But it also served a moral purpose. Witness Lu Xun’s cry, “Leading the Chinese people forward begins with science fiction!”

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Wu Jianren‘s New Story of the Stone (1905) is generally regarded as the first sustained piece of Chinese science fiction writing. It resurrects the hero of China’s classic Story of the Stone (aka Dream of the Red Chamber) and sends him into the future. He rejects the Barbarian Realm (a degenerate China) and the Falsely Civilized States (everywhere else) and passes through a memorial arch (after being vetted by Customs) into The Civilized Realm. Like Dante in Hell, he gets a Virgil, the oxymoronically named Old Youth, who is basically a human version of an iPhone that answers all his questions and tells him exactly where he is at all times.

The first marvel he encounters is in the customs hut when he’s ushered into the Human Nature Inspection Room and subjected to the Human Nature Inspection Lens which can tell if he’s civilized or barbaric by looking inside his body to see his essence. If it’s clear and bright, he’s civilized. If it’s dark and smoky, he’s a barbarian. If it’s all black and tarry then he’s unimprovable. It reminds me of the four classifications of pubic hair in the 1991 Donnie Yen horror film Holy Virgin vs. the Evil Dead: curly (African), wavy (Caucasian), straight (Asian), and screwy (sex maniac).

But if you thought that was the only lens the Civilized Realm had you’d be a barbarian yourself. These guys have lens fever! Their hospitals have the Blood Inspection Lens, the Bone Inspection Lens, and the Marrow Inspection Lens. And it’s not just about lenses. They even have subways (the public transportation system, not the fast food chain). Their Navy comes equipped with submarines that use wireless communication devices and a silent electric canon, and their army uses the “benevolent special art” which is a chemical that causes their enemies to fall asleep (in contrast to the Falsely Civilized States which use chlorine gas canons).
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Not only are the clocks better than Western clocks (they speak the time, and when Baoyu points out that they sound like Western phonographs, Old Youth replies, “Far better than a phonograph — there is no scratching.”), but while the Civilized Realm mines coal it’s far too dirty for them to use and they ship it all to the West. The drink of choice is No-Drunk Nectar. Liquor is only used to reveal one’s true nature and test one’s moral state, so it’s basically an anti-Barbarian beverage. Clearly, the Admiral says while enjoying a frosty mug of No-Drunk Nectar at the Navy Academy, the true nature of the people of barbarian countries is revealed when they drink:

“They pretend to be decent all the time, claiming that they are ‘civilized.’ However, after they are drunk, they make trouble shamelessly, without any restraint. In such a state, they either refuse to pay the fare for their rickshaw or break into other people’s houses, even going so far as to steal things along the street. After all this craziness, they fall down on the street to sleep. Do not these behaviors reveal their barbaric nature?”

Well, when you put it like that… The narrator can’t help but reflect:

“This is true. I had been living in Shanghai for a while, and had seen the criminal cases reported on newspapers. There is not a single account of the trouble made by a Chinese drunkard.”

There you go!

The Civilized Realm has a powder that makes intelligent people more intelligent while rendering stupid people even stupider, and their aerial cars are the best in the world because they’re always on call. There are no prostitutes or actors, and no religion (all moral instruction is on the Confucian virtues).

SF3Even the aerial cars are more on time.

The ruler of the Civilized Realm is Dongfang Qiang (literally “strength of the east”), the benevolent monarch of this totalitarian state. His kids each rule over a different district, Mercy (慈), Filiality (孝), Loyalty (忠), Benevolence (仁), and Trustworthiness (信). Once Dongfang Qiang realizes that his realm has become totally perfect and no longer needs to be ruled, he retires to his awesome house in Benevolence.

Wu Jianren defends his account of the Civilized Realm as being 100% true, so true it’s engraved on a stone associated with Baoyu, the well-known hero of Dreams of the Red Chamber. There’s only one twist: only true Chinese patriots can see it, those who toady to foreigners will see a mean English-language poem instead.

SF4“Let us go to the Civilized Realm, no barbarians allowed.”

 

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The Great Stephen King Re-read Round-up

A few months ago I did a Stephen King re-read for Tor, reading for the second time (and sometimes the 12th) the entire first ten years of Stephen King’s career in chronological order. As long as King’s name was on it and it wasn’t written with anybody else, I plowed my way through it. And it was a lot to plow; King writes books that are so thick they’re gently piled on the chests of invalids to slowly stop their breathing in countries where euthanasia is legal.

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It took me months, but here’s an index to the entire thing. If you want to see the ground rules as to what got read, I explain it all in a soothing tone over here. If you want to cut to the punchline and read the summary of which books were good and which ones sucked, that’s all at the end of the Thinner piece.

House Rules

Carrie

‘Salem’s Lot

The Shining

The Shining movie

Night Shift

The Stand

The Dead Zone

Firestarter

Cujo

Different Seasons

Christine

Pet Sematary

Thinner

The final analysis? Stephen King is a far better writer than I remember him being (and far worse in the case of ‘Salem’s Lot and Christine). More than anything, he had some serious literary ambitions that made him stand out above the pack. It’s this ambition (most fully realized in Cujo) that earned him his place not just as one of America’s most popular writers, but as one of its best genre writers. In 50 years, expect to see his name taught alongside Raymond Chandler and James M. Cain.

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Mantrap on Crab Island

Excerpted from June, 1951 edition of Man for Men magazine:

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Waving their chitinous pincers the Dachshund-sized crabs advanced on Rip and Vera’s mound.
“Pile more rocks,” Rip shouted at Vera, wrapping his shirt around a piece of driftwood and saturating it with his urine, which was 99% rum.
“There’s too many of them!” Vera screamed.
“Pile more rocks, you dumb broad,” Rip bellowed, smacking her across her big stupid cow face with an open hand.
Galvanized into action, the dizzy dame began to pile rocks higher. Satisfied that she was pulling her weight, Rip lit the torch with his cigarette lighter, raised it over his head, and brought it down in a shower of sparks on the shell of the nearest crab. Like a warrior of old, like a knight with flaming sword, he lay about himself with his flaming death-dealer, beating off the crabs. They fell by the dozen, flipped on their backs, their pathetic legs and pincers pulsing at the sky as the life light left their cold, black eyes.
But still the swarm kept coming, clambering over the red shells of their fallen comrades. Rip and Vera retreated up their mound while Rip bashed shells for all he was worth. Even Vera threw the occasional rock, smashing their shells with an oozy splatter. But there was no stopping them, for the crabs had tasted the sweet nectar of Vera’s fruit, and now they were hungry for the flesh of an American woman.

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Whatever Happened to Gene Simmons?

Whatever happened to Gene Simmons? That’s the one thought booming around in my brain after being introduced to NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE this weekend by one of the folks behind CineAwesome. N2Y2D might just be, when all is said and done and the aliens come to end their human experiment and total up the final score, the greatest cinematic achievement in motion picture history.

Gene Simmons plays Velvet Von Ragnar, a hermaphrodite leader of a motorcycle gang who’s looking for the computer disc that super-spy George Lazenby gave to his son, Lance Stargrove (played by John Stamos). Armed with the questionable power of gymnastics, Lance must team up with his dad’s old hump stick, Danja (played by Prince protege, Vanity), to stop the bad guys. Excessively violent, questionably plotted, studded with bulletproof umbrellas and Asian roommates who invent gadgets that Stamos collects in his Gadget Collection, N2Y2D is a heady blast of high grade, uncut 1986 fumes. But the whole thing is lifted into the stratosphere on the wings of an angel called Gene Simmons.

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If Tim Burton had seen Simmons’s performance in this movie there is no doubt in any sane human’s mind that he would have cast him as the Joker in the Batman feature film instead of tired old Jack Nicholson. One part Vegas showgirl, one part S&M mistress, Simmons gives the performance of a mad gender monster from outer space who has just eaten ALL the drag queens in the East Village and is convulsively throwing them up on himself in great fountains of melted lipstick, teased wigs, and sadistic ‘tude. Just look how Gene commands the camera in this behind-the-scenes featurette:

How did we get from this Gene Simmons to the grumpy conservative cadaver who never takes off his dark glasses that Gene Simmons has become today? I think it’s a lack of good bad guy roles. Simmons doesn’t do characters who have shades of gray, he likes to launch himself over the top and take no prisoners, playing the most evil creeps on the planet. He loves to be evil. And he just needs a movie that gives him a super-evil role and lets him eat the set again. And clearly he loves to do drag. So in this age of remakes, someone, please write Gene Simmons the bad guy/girl movie role he deserves again.

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