After Watchmen

Last week, the internet broke in half when DC Comics revealed that they were going to be publishing seven miniseries (totalling 34 coming books) taking place in the Watchmen universe. Watchmen, for those of you who do not like comic books, is widely considered the greatest comic book ever published by one of the Big Two publishers (Marvel and DC). A 12 issue miniseries by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons released in 1986, it details the final adventures of a group of retired crimefighters and it has been continually in print ever since, sales estimates put it as moving roughly 100,000 copies per year, and in 2008 it sold over 60,000 copies in two months, driven by anticipation for the upcoming 2009 feature film adaptation. TIME magazine included it as the only graphic novel in its list of the 100 Greatest English Language Novels and it has been the subject of a long-running dispute between creator Alan Moore and DC Comics.

What says comic classic better than boobs?

Watchmen was designed to be a standalone work, but what the hell? These valuable pieces of intellectual property have just been sitting there gathering dust, and DC is wise beyond its years to pair some top-knotch writers and artists from their stable with well-known characters from the Watchmen stable. Their initiative is called “Before Watchmen” because, you know, a lot of people are pretty much dead after Watchmen. But there is room for even more fan-favorites and beloved characters from the graphic novel to continue their adventures AFTER WATCHMEN. Here’re my suggestions for DC:

Moloch Cancer Funnies
by Chris Ware
Who can forget Moloch, Watchmen’s ex-criminal magician living in poverty who’s dying of cancer? Sure he gets shot in the head in the middle of the book, but he’s a magician, right? He can come back to life and who better to show us exactly how drab and pointless your life can become as you wait to die from cancer than comic’s greatest miserablist, Chris Ware? Just compare their work:

Someone buys a keychain in a Chris Ware comic.

Moloch goes downstairs in WATCHMEN.

Seymour and the Space Octopus!
by Andy Runton
Remember Seymour, the hapless employee of the New Frontiersman? We see him in two scenes in Watchmen but surely there’s more fun in store for him…

Suddenly Seymour!

…especially after he teams up with the giant space octopus that destroys New York City at the end of the comic.

“I am misunderstood.”

Hilarious hijinks ensue when this boy and his space octopus team up and journey to discover distant planets…and themselves. And watch out for a special guest appearance by Watchmen‘s favorite naked blue guy, Dr. Manhattan, in an issue we have to call, “The Doctor is Out…of his mind!” Who better to bring the story of these crazy kids to the page than Andy Runton, the artist behind much-loved comic sensation Owly about the adorable adventures of a little owl?

Going Long!
by Tyler Perry
Actor, writer, director and cross-dressing comedian, Tyler Perry, has conquered every field of entertainment except comics, and isn’t it about time? When you look at Malcolm Long, Rorschach’s prison psychiatrist, in Watchmen…

Malcolm Long.

Isn’t this the first face you think of:

Tyler Perry as “Dad.”

Malcolm Long is trying to keep it together while offering therapy and counseling to crimefighters of all stripes. But the toughest marriage he has to save isn’t one between superheroes…it’s his own! Humorous and heartwarming, you know that there’s going to be laughter and learning when you…Go Long!

Tyler Perry can knock
this one out of the park!

The Gruesome Twosome
by Evan Dorkin
They were only mentioned twice in Watchmen (there’s not even a picture of them) but can anyone forget the masochistic supervillain, Captain Carnage, and the super-Nazi turned born-again Christian, the Screaming Skull? Thawed out after being frozen in arctic ice for 25 years, these two refugees from the 80′s are forced to become roommates and try to get along in a world where no one wears shoulderpads or says “Grody to the max!” anymore. One wears a dog’s collar, one wears a priest’s collar, and together they’re looking for spankings, and salvation! Watch out world! Are you ready for the Gruesome Twosome? Brought to the page by Evan Dorkin, comicdom’s favorite chronicler of couples, like Milk and Cheese, and the Bill and Ted comic adaptation.

Nite Owl’s Statue Gets in Trouble and Goes on Adventures
by Ryan Dunlavey
We only saw it twice, but the statue awarded to the geriatric crimefighter, Nite Owl…

This statue.

…gets used to bash out his brains.

Surely there’re more stories left to tell about this iconic knickknack? And who better to show what happens to this inanimate lump of alloy than Ryan Dunlavey, best known for the comic book Action Philosophers. If he can put Plato in a comic book, surely he can continue the hilarious misadventures of the best-loved statuette in comicdom?